Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

The moderately silly New Hampshire primaries happened this week, where anyone can vote regardless of political affiliation. Heading into Tuesday's riveting action, Mitt Romney found himself having to explain after every opponent on Earth started having a field day with him saying that he enjoys firing people. Except that's not exactly what he said, and certainly not what he was getting at when he said that.

I'm neither a Mitt supporter nor detractor, I couldn't care less. But it drives me bananas when all of these skeezy dirtbags take something out of context and run with it and then try to hammer it home as it's the true gospel. They all do it, The Mitten is having it done to him right now, but he's also done it to other people. It's wrong, it's disingenuous, and it's complete bullshit. I can get more accurate political information out of North Korea than I can from the candidates themselves and the media here.

At some boring breakfast event in Nashua (New Hampshire) on Monday, Romney said that his health care plan would allow them to dismiss insurers and health care providers and said "If you don't like what they do, you can fire them. I like being able to fire people who provide services to me." Now clearly he was saying that he likes having the option of canning someone if he thinks they suck at their job. Who doesn't? The democrats immediately sent out a video showing the comment and other republican rivals jumped all over it. Jon Huntsman immediately told reporters: "Governor Romney enjoys firing people! I enjoy creating jobs!" Okay, he didn't say he enjoys firing people. At no point did he say "I like to fire people!"

It's fun to take things some idiot celebrity says out of context or to re-purpose some terrible quote they may be requoting. But they're just stupid people who are famous because they're pretty (or some other dumb reason), they're trying to amuse you. They're not trying to build credibility or attempting to become the most powerful person on the face of the earth.

The unfortunate thing is that the only reason politicians do shit like this is because they know that people are basically stupid, gullible, and lazy and would never bother to do any type of real research on their own, which means that they'll run with and regurgitate any lie or mislead that they've been spoon-fed. We (the people) have created the current political system we have. We've made these people behave as they do, which means they suck. Because we suck.

And that sucks.

What is it with kids these days? What with the crime, drugs, promiscuity... it's just out of hand! We used to call it growing up, but now everything has a name. Fat is obese, whore is sexually addicted, someone who occasionally drinks too much all the time is an alcoholic. The fuck? Can't everyone just learn some moderation?

Hell, I remember going to high school. I worked a full time job at night at a restaurant. After work we would drink until I had to go to school. In college I really had a good time but I learned a lot. It wasn't until I graduated college and entered graduate school that I learned the wonders of "having a drink to unwind after work and at the dinner table and again after dinner and then with dessert and then while watching TV and then during the commercial break before the evening news and then during the evening news (markets are down) and then before bed". It's a rather easy existence to maintain; everyone you love learns not to fuck with you cause you work hard and this glass won't fill itself.

So if my generation didn't suffer from alcoholism what should we do about this one? Simple answer: go back to the way things were, when we didn't talk about anything until much too much time had passed to make a difference anyway. THAT was progress. Yeah that was it! Just ignore it until it goes away. Is there an easier solution than that?

Sometimes I think I'd like to get more involved politically, but I get depressed when I look at the two major name-brand political parties. Both of them seem to be dominated by the kind of aggressively annoying individuals that came in third for sophomore class president. Which is not to say that there are no differences between the parties. The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and time again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. Also, the Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

But the biggest problem I have with both major political parties is that they seem to be competing in some kind of giant national scavenger hunt every four years to see who can find the biggest goober to run for President.

I can hear you saying: "Oh yeah, Mr. Smartass? Well, what kind of leader would you be?" The answer is, I'd be a terrible leader. I'd be such an inadequate leader that within a matter of days the United States would rank significantly below Belize as a world power. But at least I'd try to be an interesting leader. I wouldn't be one more pseudo-somber, blue-suited, red-tied, wingtip-shoed weenie, frowning at the issues with sincerely feigned concern. I'd try to truly represent my generation, the rock-'n'-roll generation that had the idealism and courage to defy the Establishment, stand up for what it believed in, march in the streets and go to Woodstock and sleep in the rain and become infested with body lice. If I were the President, I'd bring some life to the White House. The theme of my administration would be summarized,by the catchy and inspirational phrase: "Hey, The Government Is Beyond Human Control, So Let's at Least Have Some Fun with It." Here are some of the specific programs I would implement:

I would invite George Thorogood and the Deleware Destroyers to perform at the White House. Not just once. Every night. They would live there. Congress would constantly be passing Joint Resolutions urging the Executive Branch to keep the volume down.

Whenever I entered the room for a formal dinner, the band would play the 1963 Angels' hit, "My Boyfriend's Back."

I would have a Labrador retriever, wearing a small earphone, sit in on all Cabinet meetings.

I would request a summit meeting with the Soviet Premier, at which I would make a dramatic three-hour presentation, using flip-charts, of the benefits of becoming an Amway distributor.

One of my highest priorities would be to have Helium declared the National Element.

I would awaken key congressional letters at 2:30 one morning and summon them to the White House Situation Room for an urgent meeting, at which, after swearing them to secrecy, I would show them that China is shaped vaguely like an eggplant.

The cornerstone of my foreign policy would be playing pranks on France.

Wherever I went, there would be a burly Secret Service man just a few feet away, and on his wrist would be a handcuff, which would be attached to a steel chain, which would be attached to a locked steel carrying case, and inside that case would be:
an Etch-a-Sketch.

Citing a terrible job market, Richard Keagle, once a highly paid philosopher for a number of tech companies, has resorted to contemplating the meaning of Mars Co.'s popular brand of bite-sized candies. Whether his thoughts actually amount to anything is as yet unclear, but the trained philosopher continues on unabated.

"These skittles... why are they round? Or, more rather, not square? Was there an ulterior motive to the small ridge that encircles each tasty snack?" He postulated for close to an hour, gingerly holding the little treats as if they were diamonds or relics from an ancient tomb. "Maybe... maybe they were meant to be spheres, but at the last moment someone changed the design. What about the economics of different shapes? Would one cost less, then surely that would be the desired model."

Without a job for nearly 6 months, Keagle, desperate to think deeply about even the simplest of things, stumbled upon the candy aisle while considering various brands of toilet paper at his local supermarket. After a prolonged debate over which flavor to choose, he finally settled with a pack of Tropical Skittles.

"Tropical flavors, huh? Are they really from the tropics? Who decides what is tropical? Do these skittles or their flavors have a say in whether they are from equatorial latitudes? I didn't have a say. I'm not sure these would precisely fit the tropical flavor model. Coastal rainforest, yes, but outright tropical is a bit presumptuous."

After emptying the pack onto his kitchen table, Richard organized them first in the order they came out of the package, then by color, those with S's on top or bottom, perceived roundness, and finally by if they fell asleep when read short stories.

"At first glance, one would believe that skittles cannot, in fact, fall asleep. I have very nearly proven this notion wrong," claims the wise man thoughtfully, motioning towards a row of potentially sleepy skittles. "Just as this green one here was slipping off, I accidentally nudged the table ever so slightly as I moved in for a better look. This awoke him from his stupor."

"If skittles are actually living creatures, are we breaking deeply rooted moral standards by eating handfuls of them at a time? Where do we, as civilized human beings, draw the line?"

Nearly two weeks after purchasing the skittles, Keagle has come no closer to finding out the truth behind the tiny treats. He reportedly came close to fitting all the pieces together after finding a yellow one that had rolled under his couch, but still has a ways to go before his theories are complete.

"I thought to myself, boy, it's strange that that skittle rolled all the way under there without me intentionally putting him there. Was there something I was supposed to find? I remember some years ago a yellow M&M fell from my grasp before nestling itself in a corner. Are these two insignificant events part of some overlying structure of universal governance? I would not hesitate to contact others in the field and bring this potential discovery to their attention."

Taras Lunev, a recently laid off GM seer, predicts that Richard will not have a job until he abandons his silly voodoo beliefs and tries to get a real job.

I remember the first time I rode a bike. I was really young, and my dad pushed me so I could get going. I went for a while and then fell down.

This question has been in my mind for a while, popping in and out every so often, but today something happened that really pushed me to ask a certain community about this, hopefully infrequent situation.

My sister, who just graduated high school (last night, actually), has a lot of cool friends. Ever since I graduated high school and started going to college, I've lost touch with most of my friends at home and started hanging out with my sister's friends, partly out of convenience, but also because I'm really busy with my internship at a local engineering firm.

I really like her group of friends because they aren't the partying type, which I have tried to avoid most of my life. One of the things they will do on occasion, though, is during car rides to and from places (the destinations aren't really that important), one person will scream out the window at pedestrians to illicit a reaction.

We live in a mostly white community, which I haven't been happy with since we moved here from Chicago. Most of the people that we're screaming at are middle aged white guys or girls, but occasionally, we see someone who isn't white on the sidewalk, and if someone starts to look like they're going to scream at them, the other people in the car will try and stop them, with the reason that it would be racist.

Isn't the fact that we have to be selective racist in itself?

Today, I was driving back from the Home Depot from getting some supplies for a project, my sister was the only other person in the car. She rolled down the window, scoping out a victim, and saw a group of people.

"OOGA BOOGA" was her choice of words, which wasn't the best, as I noticed right afterwards that there was a black teenaged girl at the rear of the pack, apparently concealed by a car on the side of the road. My sister may have seen her, she may have not, but she didn't understand that what she said could have been taken to be racist.

Is it racist if she didn't know it could have been?

This is silly, and I really hate that society tells us that we can't have our fun unless we're ostracizing white people. Maybe we should just grow up.

Every time I see her she has flowers in her hair
I'm the only one that sees them, but I'm pretty sure that they're there
When she speaks I hear gracious melodies
A beautiful duet in perfect harmony

She doesn't know that I think about her every day
She doesn't know that I live just to see her
I should have told her by now
Why haven't I told her by now?

Where she stands, the clouds above part and blow away
Whenever she's around its like a perfect sunny day
I turn to see her face and all my senses start to blur
While shooting stars are falling just to catch a glimpse of her

And I say she doesn't know I think about her every day
She doesn't know that I live just to see her
I should have told her by now
Why haven't I told her by now?

And I can't help but smile every once in a while
When she's on my mind I know that I'll find a place no further than a mile
Where I'll never be lonely, and love is in style

And whenever she talks or laughs or breathes or smiles
I'm getting lighter, man I'm moving upward
Think I'll float a while

I can tell that she's no ordinary girl
I think I'm almost ready
I think I'll tell the world

Standing love that's all-controlling
On my shoulder she's condoning
One day she will understand
Open up and take my hand

I might be going out on a limb on this one, I don't know if anybody else has noticed this but, for some reason a few days ago it really started bugging me. You definitely have to pay attention to some of the entertainment news to get this, but, John Mayer, "musician", has been talked about a LOT lately because he's dating America's "sweetheart", Jennifer Anniston. Now, whenever these fist-biting, starry-eyed morons talk about this relationship, they always refer to him as "rocker" John Mayer.

Look... JOHN MAYER DOES NOT ROCK.

He sings WATERY, PUPPY-DOG, PANSY BALLADS.

HAVE YOU HEARD YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND? You find a way to convince me that that song rocks, and I will KILL YOU for your despicable brand of sorcery.

I kind of like his voice, and I know he COULD rock (if he wanted to). I've seen him perform with BB King and Eric Clapton. Instead he chooses to sing melancholy heartstring pullers for new dads (like Daughters).

The guy is THIRTY-ONE. He should be playing like Layla Clapton, NOT Sun Out the Window Clapton. Nevertheless, I don't really care what he plays. There are plenty of artists that are really talented that I don't like listening to. My real problem is people referring to him as "rocker" John Mayer. That makes about as much sense as saying "Heavy Metal Queen" Amy Grant, or "Jazz Giant" Britney Spears. He rocks about as much as I tap-dance on rooftops.

CAR COMPANIES ARE BETTER AT MAKING MONEY THAN JOHN MAYER IS AT MAKING ROCK SONGS.

You know how I know that he doesn't rock? (Beyond the fact that I have ears) I don't know ONE man who owns any one of his albums. Ergo, he does NOT rock.

From now on, you will refer to him only as "sissy bitch-crooner" John Mayer.

I know you don't have anything else to do right now, so go ahead, I'll wait.

Well? Are you outraged yet?! I know a large percentage of you are fluent in Korean, thanks to WoW and Halo, but for those of you who aren't, it basically advertises a new kind of stuffed crust pizza - with hot dogs!

People, this is brilliant! Talk about the next major breakthrough in stuffed crust pizza technology. It's the perfect, epic heart attack in a slice. Order a large and you could easily get three meals out of that baby, probably even four, thus making it a poor college student's dream food.

And yet, it serves as just another sad reminder of how far the United States has fallen when it comes to engineering developments. Those eternally think Easterners have beaten us at our own game again.

"But Matt, how could this travesty possibly have been allowed to occur?" you ask. Indeed, I've spent many long, sleepless nights wondering this myself. I mean, come on, we are THE nation of muffin tops and beer guts! The tubby citizens of this great country invented the stuffed crust pizza long before those short, Korean brainiacs got their hands on it. The Wisconsinites should have thought of this twist ages ago and even they never saw it coming (the good for nothing morons)! Why did this happen? In classic, 'bitter old man' fashion, I can only blame society.

You see, in the old days, before commercials scared us into trying shady fad diets, asking our doctors about drugs we don't really need, and joining class action lawsuits against the very medical industry claiming to be our savior, America ruled the world of artery-clogging comfort food. Before Oprah Winfrey, PETA, and a very scary man named Richard Simmons decided beef was bad for everyone, a delicious cheeseburger, hearty meatloaf, or satisfyingly messy sloppy joe was a weekly staple of the American diet. From creamy chicken pot pie to gooey macaroni and cheese, we were damn proud to sport the waistlines and highest cholesterol readings, and our mothers never thought twice about feeding us lots of butter, lard, cream, salt, sugar, and second helpings, as long as we choked down our vegetables.

Then came along doctors, research scientists, celebrity exercise instructors, and those ever-bitchy dietitians, all constantly bleating about how everyone must change their ways if they want to live to see 80. Soon, dozens of fat-free/cholesterol-free/sugar-free/l ow-calorie/low-sodium/taste-free foods hit the shelves to be purchased by newly health-conscious soccer moms, feeding the ever growing paranoia of the average American sheep. We suffered through gritty fat-free ice cream, the unholy substitution of ground turkey for ground beef, sugar-free cookies, and vegetable oil 'butter' spreads. We quietly stood by while cheesecake was demonized, ham became a vile curse word, and the consumption of virtually all flavorful foods was made a dinnertime capital offense. Soon, even those sinful bastards at McDonald's sold out, offering rabbit food meals with step-counters and bottled water. Finally, in perhaps the most treasonous move of them all, Cookie Monster was forced into court-ordered rehab and now spends his days telling kids to consume large amounts of FRUIT. (Thank you to Mr. Colbert for raking the muck in order to get the scoop on that one). Now, it is painfully obvious from the video that even pizza is becoming vulnerable.

The point of this is, we've had enough of this shit. America needs to graduate as many ingenious product engineers as she can, in order to start putting the calories, fat, and flavor back in to the foods we love before it's too late. Do we really want the title of World's Greatest Artery-Clogging Meals to fall back into the clutches of, say, the French? I didn't think so.

So, with that in mind, I'm off to lobby my senators to send more money up here in support of this fine University, and perhaps I'll also draft a letter to Pizza Hut urging them to introduce such a great product on this side of the Pacific Ocean. In the meantime, I think I'll see if South Korea can get a group of their six year-old geniuses to work on teleport delivery.

Just before summer started, it was revealed to the country that everybody's favorite water bottle, the invincible Nalgene, gives off hazardous chemicals that apparently cause cancer. Not all of them, just the lexan ones that are the only ones people actually use. Because of this, Nalgene is going to start phasing out the good kind and likely replace it with a subpar version. For this, I have one thing to say.

What. The. Hell.

Seriously, who's in charge of making Nalgenes around here? The Nalgene Company or the state of California, where everything from breast milk to stinky shoes is outlawed? I'd like to think companies can make whatever they want, no matter how dangerous or unhealthy. So, if Nalgene is going to bow under the pressure of one rotten scientific study, I'm going to conduct some science of my own, Guthrie style.

Bleach. Every time you put bleach in with your clothes, you are running the risk of killing yourself. Haven't you ever stopped to think that by putting bleach on your clothes, it's like putting bleach on yourself? And I'm not bullshitting, bleach hurts.

Air. Air is probably the number one killer in the history of the world. Everyone who has breathed has died of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, Spanish Inquisitions, or cannibalism. Those few who have tried to not breathe to avoid these fates have also died. Therfore, air is just as bad as Nalgenes.

Work. Working causes stress, and stress makes bad things happen to the body, like depression and the desire to shoot your coworkers. This shaves years off your life. Maybe we should all quit working to save our health for when we're happily on welfare.

Lunchmeat. Salami, bologna, mesquite smoked turkey, you name it, it's deadly. Just ask anyone who has choked on a sandwich - oh, wait... you can't. They're dead. Supermarket deli clerks ought to be put behind bars for spreading such dangerous food around.

Airplanes. Thousands of people have used the same airplane you just rode in. Chances are they're all going to die at one point. Unfortunately for you, death is contagious and now you're doing to die too. Sorry for the late warning.

Computers. Not only do they make you fat and more prone to catching cancer from Nalgene, they give off a million billion harmful waves that will bake your brain before you can say "OMG I <3 LOLKITTEH ^_^."

The Sun. Before you were even conscious, the sun gave you cancer. Probably every kind, too. You can blame your parents for bringing you out into the harsh UV rays when you were still a baby. Now you'll die a premature death.

Food, fire breathers, sidewalks, skyscrapers, albatrosses, German sports cars, Venetian gondoliers, hamsters, Mt. Everest, Vladamir Putin, clock radios, mirrors, air conditioners, the late Douglas Adams, Alpha Centauri, that lady from the supermarket, car keys, Texas, Nazi Germany, and the pillow you sleep on at night. All of these give you cancer.

Last but not least, The bacteria infesting your Nalgene bottle will also give you cancer, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about those unless you drink anti-bacterial soap. So toughen up, weakling. If you can't stand having a little bit of chemicals leeching into your body, I suggest you quit at life and go live in the center of the Earth At least there you won't find any Nalgene bottles there - they melt at much lower temperatures, so you're safe.