I might be going out on a limb on this one, I don't know if anybody else has noticed this but, for some reason a few days ago it really started bugging me. You definitely have to pay attention to some of the entertainment news to get this, but, John Mayer, "musician", has been talked about a LOT lately because he's dating America's "sweetheart", Jennifer Anniston. Now, whenever these fist-biting, starry-eyed morons talk about this relationship, they always refer to him as "rocker" John Mayer.

Look... JOHN MAYER DOES NOT ROCK.

He sings WATERY, PUPPY-DOG, PANSY BALLADS.

HAVE YOU HEARD YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND? You find a way to convince me that that song rocks, and I will KILL YOU for your despicable brand of sorcery.

I kind of like his voice, and I know he COULD rock (if he wanted to). I've seen him perform with BB King and Eric Clapton. Instead he chooses to sing melancholy heartstring pullers for new dads (like Daughters).

The guy is THIRTY-ONE. He should be playing like Layla Clapton, NOT Sun Out the Window Clapton. Nevertheless, I don't really care what he plays. There are plenty of artists that are really talented that I don't like listening to. My real problem is people referring to him as "rocker" John Mayer. That makes about as much sense as saying "Heavy Metal Queen" Amy Grant, or "Jazz Giant" Britney Spears. He rocks about as much as I tap-dance on rooftops.

CAR COMPANIES ARE BETTER AT MAKING MONEY THAN JOHN MAYER IS AT MAKING ROCK SONGS.

You know how I know that he doesn't rock? (Beyond the fact that I have ears) I don't know ONE man who owns any one of his albums. Ergo, he does NOT rock.

From now on, you will refer to him only as "sissy bitch-crooner" John Mayer.