Citing an unwillingness to delay the inevitable, president Obama announced today that he would order the commencement of the first stages of the Apocalypse during the remainder of his time in office.
“Did the same populace that elected me really just vote in some rich asshole? What the fuck... Seriously, I’m going to have to reevaluate my life here. Just between us though, I uh... voted for Gary J, 'cause I was hoping to get me a little Mary J, if you know what I’m saying.” said President Obama during a press conference following the election.
“We... uh, were really fucked either way though, so in order to ensure a smooth transition of power, I’m just gonna start fucking shit up in advance.”
Shortly thereafter, he returned to his office to play Minesweeper as he spends all of his time when not making YouTube videos and appearing on talk shows.
Obama’s next action will be to publish the nuclear launch codes. Their release was already expected, either through an unsecured e-mail server or an ill-advised 3 a.m. tweet. Obama claims the codes will be made public sometime before the end of the month. In order to use them, simply go into the bathroom with the lights out. While standing in front of the mirror, think of the country you want to nuke and whisper the launch codes three times.
Next, Obama plans to announce which religion got it right. At that point, worthy Klingons will be brought to Sto’Vo’Kor for eternal battle and feasting, and the rest of us will endure the torments of earth. Possible activities will include dodging fire and brimstone raining from the sky, inescapably loud Cockney music resounding the world over, and dealing with the simple fact that your fellow countrymen decided to elect the equivalent of a baked potato for president.
Presently, authorities are recommending Americans begin sealing themselves in their backyard bunkers with enough food to sustain a small colony for the next millennium and enough friends and family to prevent inbreeding for at least a week. Many families are also bringing along their Bernie Sanders blow-up dolls to stroke fondly as they fantasize about what could have been.