.
/* */
I know you don't have anything else to do right now, so go ahead, I'll wait.

Well? Are you outraged yet?! I know a large percentage of you are fluent in Korean, thanks to WoW and Halo, but for those of you who aren't, it basically advertises a new kind of stuffed crust pizza - with hot dogs!

People, this is brilliant! Talk about the next major breakthrough in stuffed crust pizza technology. It's the perfect, epic heart attack in a slice. Order a large and you could easily get three meals out of that baby, probably even four, thus making it a poor college student's dream food.

And yet, it serves as just another sad reminder of how far the United States has fallen when it comes to engineering developments. Those eternally think Easterners have beaten us at our own game again.

"But Matt, how could this travesty possibly have been allowed to occur?" you ask. Indeed, I've spent many long, sleepless nights wondering this myself. I mean, come on, we are THE nation of muffin tops and beer guts! The tubby citizens of this great country invented the stuffed crust pizza long before those short, Korean brainiacs got their hands on it. The Wisconsinites should have thought of this twist ages ago and even they never saw it coming (the good for nothing morons)! Why did this happen? In classic, 'bitter old man' fashion, I can only blame society.

You see, in the old days, before commercials scared us into trying shady fad diets, asking our doctors about drugs we don't really need, and joining class action lawsuits against the very medical industry claiming to be our savior, America ruled the world of artery-clogging comfort food. Before Oprah Winfrey, PETA, and a very scary man named Richard Simmons decided beef was bad for everyone, a delicious cheeseburger, hearty meatloaf, or satisfyingly messy sloppy joe was a weekly staple of the American diet. From creamy chicken pot pie to gooey macaroni and cheese, we were damn proud to sport the waistlines and highest cholesterol readings, and our mothers never thought twice about feeding us lots of butter, lard, cream, salt, sugar, and second helpings, as long as we choked down our vegetables.

Then came along doctors, research scientists, celebrity exercise instructors, and those ever-bitchy dietitians, all constantly bleating about how everyone must change their ways if they want to live to see 80. Soon, dozens of fat-free/cholesterol-free/sugar-free/l ow-calorie/low-sodium/taste-free foods hit the shelves to be purchased by newly health-conscious soccer moms, feeding the ever growing paranoia of the average American sheep. We suffered through gritty fat-free ice cream, the unholy substitution of ground turkey for ground beef, sugar-free cookies, and vegetable oil 'butter' spreads. We quietly stood by while cheesecake was demonized, ham became a vile curse word, and the consumption of virtually all flavorful foods was made a dinnertime capital offense. Soon, even those sinful bastards at McDonald's sold out, offering rabbit food meals with step-counters and bottled water. Finally, in perhaps the most treasonous move of them all, Cookie Monster was forced into court-ordered rehab and now spends his days telling kids to consume large amounts of FRUIT. (Thank you to Mr. Colbert for raking the muck in order to get the scoop on that one). Now, it is painfully obvious from the video that even pizza is becoming vulnerable.

The point of this is, we've had enough of this shit. America needs to graduate as many ingenious product engineers as she can, in order to start putting the calories, fat, and flavor back in to the foods we love before it's too late. Do we really want the title of World's Greatest Artery-Clogging Meals to fall back into the clutches of, say, the French? I didn't think so.

So, with that in mind, I'm off to lobby my senators to send more money up here in support of this fine University, and perhaps I'll also draft a letter to Pizza Hut urging them to introduce such a great product on this side of the Pacific Ocean. In the meantime, I think I'll see if South Korea can get a group of their six year-old geniuses to work on teleport delivery.