Sometimes I think I'd like to get more involved politically, but I get depressed when I look at the two major name-brand political parties. Both of them seem to be dominated by the kind of aggressively annoying individuals that came in third for sophomore class president. Which is not to say that there are no differences between the parties. The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and time again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. Also, the Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

But the biggest problem I have with both major political parties is that they seem to be competing in some kind of giant national scavenger hunt every four years to see who can find the biggest goober to run for President.

I can hear you saying: "Oh yeah, Mr. Smartass? Well, what kind of leader would you be?" The answer is, I'd be a terrible leader. I'd be such an inadequate leader that within a matter of days the United States would rank significantly below Belize as a world power. But at least I'd try to be an interesting leader. I wouldn't be one more pseudo-somber, blue-suited, red-tied, wingtip-shoed weenie, frowning at the issues with sincerely feigned concern. I'd try to truly represent my generation, the rock-'n'-roll generation that had the idealism and courage to defy the Establishment, stand up for what it believed in, march in the streets and go to Woodstock and sleep in the rain and become infested with body lice. If I were the President, I'd bring some life to the White House. The theme of my administration would be summarized,by the catchy and inspirational phrase: "Hey, The Government Is Beyond Human Control, So Let's at Least Have Some Fun with It." Here are some of the specific programs I would implement:

I would invite George Thorogood and the Deleware Destroyers to perform at the White House. Not just once. Every night. They would live there. Congress would constantly be passing Joint Resolutions urging the Executive Branch to keep the volume down.

Whenever I entered the room for a formal dinner, the band would play the 1963 Angels' hit, "My Boyfriend's Back."

I would have a Labrador retriever, wearing a small earphone, sit in on all Cabinet meetings.

I would request a summit meeting with the Soviet Premier, at which I would make a dramatic three-hour presentation, using flip-charts, of the benefits of becoming an Amway distributor.

One of my highest priorities would be to have Helium declared the National Element.

I would awaken key congressional letters at 2:30 one morning and summon them to the White House Situation Room for an urgent meeting, at which, after swearing them to secrecy, I would show them that China is shaped vaguely like an eggplant.

The cornerstone of my foreign policy would be playing pranks on France.

Wherever I went, there would be a burly Secret Service man just a few feet away, and on his wrist would be a handcuff, which would be attached to a steel chain, which would be attached to a locked steel carrying case, and inside that case would be:
an Etch-a-Sketch.