Just before summer started, it was revealed to the country that everybody's favorite water bottle, the invincible Nalgene, gives off hazardous chemicals that apparently cause cancer. Not all of them, just the lexan ones that are the only ones people actually use. Because of this, Nalgene is going to start phasing out the good kind and likely replace it with a subpar version. For this, I have one thing to say.

What. The. Hell.

Seriously, who's in charge of making Nalgenes around here? The Nalgene Company or the state of California, where everything from breast milk to stinky shoes is outlawed? I'd like to think companies can make whatever they want, no matter how dangerous or unhealthy. So, if Nalgene is going to bow under the pressure of one rotten scientific study, I'm going to conduct some science of my own, Guthrie style.

Bleach. Every time you put bleach in with your clothes, you are running the risk of killing yourself. Haven't you ever stopped to think that by putting bleach on your clothes, it's like putting bleach on yourself? And I'm not bullshitting, bleach hurts.

Air. Air is probably the number one killer in the history of the world. Everyone who has breathed has died of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, Spanish Inquisitions, or cannibalism. Those few who have tried to not breathe to avoid these fates have also died. Therfore, air is just as bad as Nalgenes.

Work. Working causes stress, and stress makes bad things happen to the body, like depression and the desire to shoot your coworkers. This shaves years off your life. Maybe we should all quit working to save our health for when we're happily on welfare.

Lunchmeat. Salami, bologna, mesquite smoked turkey, you name it, it's deadly. Just ask anyone who has choked on a sandwich - oh, wait... you can't. They're dead. Supermarket deli clerks ought to be put behind bars for spreading such dangerous food around.

Airplanes. Thousands of people have used the same airplane you just rode in. Chances are they're all going to die at one point. Unfortunately for you, death is contagious and now you're doing to die too. Sorry for the late warning.

Computers. Not only do they make you fat and more prone to catching cancer from Nalgene, they give off a million billion harmful waves that will bake your brain before you can say "OMG I <3 LOLKITTEH ^_^."

The Sun. Before you were even conscious, the sun gave you cancer. Probably every kind, too. You can blame your parents for bringing you out into the harsh UV rays when you were still a baby. Now you'll die a premature death.

Food, fire breathers, sidewalks, skyscrapers, albatrosses, German sports cars, Venetian gondoliers, hamsters, Mt. Everest, Vladamir Putin, clock radios, mirrors, air conditioners, the late Douglas Adams, Alpha Centauri, that lady from the supermarket, car keys, Texas, Nazi Germany, and the pillow you sleep on at night. All of these give you cancer.

Last but not least, The bacteria infesting your Nalgene bottle will also give you cancer, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about those unless you drink anti-bacterial soap. So toughen up, weakling. If you can't stand having a little bit of chemicals leeching into your body, I suggest you quit at life and go live in the center of the Earth At least there you won't find any Nalgene bottles there - they melt at much lower temperatures, so you're safe.