Citing an unwillingness to delay the inevitable, president Obama announced today that he would order the commencement of the first stages of the Apocalypse during the remainder of his time in office.
“Did the same populace that elected me really just vote in some rich asshole? What the fuck... Seriously, I’m going to have to reevaluate my life here. Just between us though, I uh... voted for Gary J, 'cause I was hoping to get me a little Mary J, if you know what I’m saying.” said President Obama during a press conference following the election.
“We... uh, were really fucked either way though, so in order to ensure a smooth transition of power, I’m just gonna start fucking shit up in advance.”
Shortly thereafter, he returned to his office to play Minesweeper as he spends all of his time when not making YouTube videos and appearing on talk shows.
Obama’s next action will be to publish the nuclear launch codes. Their release was already expected, either through an unsecured e-mail server or an ill-advised 3 a.m. tweet. Obama claims the codes will be made public sometime before the end of the month. In order to use them, simply go into the bathroom with the lights out. While standing in front of the mirror, think of the country you want to nuke and whisper the launch codes three times.
Next, Obama plans to announce which religion got it right. At that point, worthy Klingons will be brought to Sto’Vo’Kor for eternal battle and feasting, and the rest of us will endure the torments of earth. Possible activities will include dodging fire and brimstone raining from the sky, inescapably loud Cockney music resounding the world over, and dealing with the simple fact that your fellow countrymen decided to elect the equivalent of a baked potato for president.
Presently, authorities are recommending Americans begin sealing themselves in their backyard bunkers with enough food to sustain a small colony for the next millennium and enough friends and family to prevent inbreeding for at least a week. Many families are also bringing along their Bernie Sanders blow-up dolls to stroke fondly as they fantasize about what could have been.
In lieu of tomorrow’s election results, Canada’s prime minister Justin Trudeau has announced a plan to build a wall along the entirety of the United States-Canada border. He was quoted as saying,
"We’re sorry we have to do this eh, but our maple syrup reserves can’t handle all of you moving over here because your candidate lost. Again, very sorry."
He then went to a Tim Hortons and drank a litre of maple syrup and coffee without getting any on his flannel suit.
Unfortunately for Canada, their monopoly money reserve cannot support the cost of the wall either. When confronted with this, Trudeau said,
"I’m sorry to ask but could you spot us a couple billion loonies for dat dere wall eh?"
When interviewed on the subject, Obama said,
"A request .... for that much fake money...... is well ridiculous.... Maybe you should ask Hasbro to print you... uh some more."
Then the 57% of Americans who approve of Obama simultaneously wailed in unison "We’re gonna miss this guy." The other 43% suggested having Mexico pay for that wall as well.
Many Americans are already planning on or have attempted an escape across the border. Every copy of Monopoly has been bought countrywide as Americans acquire funds for the crossing. Mounties have been stationed at every major border crossing, politely declining every plea for entrance into the country from horseback. This drove many to attempt swimming across the Great lakes while heavily intoxicated to escape the policy of the candidate who wins. The death toll was high enough to bring the McRib back but lessened by Canadian universal healthcare.
Most Americans simply reminded themselves that congress also plays a role in balancing power and got some popcorn to watch the others blockade run the border. Those who made it across are projected to come back within the week after realizing that Canada has same bullshit America does. The Wall is to be finished shortly after the Mexican border wall.
I think there is a stigma out there that mathematicians are frazzly-haired, bespectacled people with a weird affinity for numbers and a pencil permanently tucked behind their ears like some sort of strange, oblong growth. They are widely regarded as quirky, but brilliant; they’re taken as advanced, mature minds that endlessly contemplate the meanings of science and the universe. We probably deserve some of that typecasting. One thing I have noticed, though, is that mathematicians of old were not as mature as we give them credit for being.
Take, for example, the annulus. The annulus is a shape, a ring-shaped region if you will. It has a hole in the middle. The annulus can have various properties, one of them being whether it is an open region or a closed one. I find it hard to believe that the coiners of this term purposely overlooked the crude humor in having to posit, “Is my annulus open or closed?”
I’ve also noticed that the inventors of our beloved trig functions took full advantage of the fact that mathematicians are lazy efficient, using the names of trig identities to pass down immaturity and giggles throughout the years. I mean, secant(x) = sec x can’t be purely coincidence. Even back in the day they must have been trying to figure out the mathematics of the bedroom. Similarly, anyone in too much of a hurry to write cos(x) has inevitably fallen prey to the age-old cox reference.
Immaturity doesn’t just derive from toilet humor. A certain portion can also come from knowing that even professional math minds don’t want to do their homework. In fact, I think that I could declare all past math majors to be just kids’ at heart who only want to play games and sleep in on the weekends. Perhaps that’s why cryptographers left us a little prophecy. The whole point of crypto is that you have to feed numbers through a long and complicated algorithm, which dresses them up in a disguise, gives them a haircut, and enters them into some kind of mathematics witness protection program. Some cryptosystems make use of pre-determined value tables, which are called S-Boxes. See?! They predicted the future, practically! Hey, guys, want to go check out my SBOX 101101000?
I don’t think anything needs to be said about ∫uˣ dx.
Last, but certainly not least, is a little gem I learned recently that nearly broke my ability to pose as a mature mathematician. You see, one can integrate around a region. And inside that region, there might be a point a special spot, if you will, called a singularity. You have to be very careful about the singularity. Sometimes, you even have to work around it, specifically, so your equations don’t blow up. Mr. Cauchy probably didn’t know it, but he was setting the world up for some awful puns about his integral theorem for those regions and special spots. Lovingly referred to as the Cauchy Line Integral Theorem by some, it’s one of those pieces of math that I will never forget. What are you doing tonight? Oh, nothing. Just gotta manipulate my C-L-I-theorem... wait a minute...
Just remember, if you ever want to insult a math geek, all you need to do is suggest that their you-know-what is smaller than any ε > 0.
Goats balancing on a thing
A guy argues with a goat.
A baby goat screams at a baby ghost.
Goat gets super pissed about its bath
Hyperactive goat is a jimnastics
The goat is a chicken
A goat on a tramploline
I'm pretty sick of Star Wars. Not the original movies themselves, just everything else that says Star Wars on it (which seems like everything). The Star Wars franchise has been merchandised onto merchandise that I didn't even know existed. It seems like there's been a Star Wars version of everything, like they've hitched their wagon onto every other successful franchise as a means of staying relevant. Not that that isn't a good plan, it just makes them really annoying.
There's been Star Wars Monopoly, Star Wars Legos, Star Wars Trouble, Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, Star Wars Boggle... I mean, seriously, Star Wars has been slapped on everything. Star Wars has been a marketing machine my entire life. I literally do not remember a time of my life when Star Wars did not exist, and by that I mean I don't remember a time when it didn't purvey every aspect of our culture. I'm so sick of Star Wars and I love Star Wars! It would be different if there were new things going on in the Star Wars universe but there's not. All the Star Wars merchandise is based off the movies with Chewbacca and X-wing fighters and stuff.
Anyway, Angry Birds is turning into the kind of franchise I can't believe people are still into. And what better way for both franchises to remain at the forefront but to combine? The announcement of Angry Birds: Star Wars! The birds will all be dressed like Luke and Leia and Han Solo and stuff. The pigs will be Darth Vader and Stormtroopers and stuff like that. The thing is, I know there are some people who get excited when they hear about Star Wars Angry Birds, but those people are pathetic weirdos. How can you not be sick of Star Wars? There's nothing new! I get it, Darth Vader was a great character, but Jesus, the movie came out in 1977. It was 35 years ago! Why don't you go out and make a Smoky and The Bandit: Hello Kitty app? That'd be super cool.
You know, I wish someone would prove that all of the Star Wars characters were based on George Lucas's favorite terrorists and Nazis so that people would stop liking them. If he would just come out and say "Yes, I'm pro-holocaust and these are what these characters are!" That, to me, would be great, but nevertheless I'm just really sick of Star Wars and wish it would go away.
The moderately silly New Hampshire primaries happened this week, where anyone can vote regardless of political affiliation. Heading into Tuesday's riveting action, Mitt Romney found himself having to explain after every opponent on Earth started having a field day with him saying that he enjoys firing people. Except that's not exactly what he said, and certainly not what he was getting at when he said that.
I'm neither a Mitt supporter nor detractor, I couldn't care less. But it drives me bananas when all of these skeezy dirtbags take something out of context and run with it and then try to hammer it home as it's the true gospel. They all do it, The Mitten is having it done to him right now, but he's also done it to other people. It's wrong, it's disingenuous, and it's complete bullshit. I can get more accurate political information out of North Korea than I can from the candidates themselves and the media here.
At some boring breakfast event in Nashua (New Hampshire) on Monday, Romney said that his health care plan would allow them to dismiss insurers and health care providers and said "If you don't like what they do, you can fire them. I like being able to fire people who provide services to me." Now clearly he was saying that he likes having the option of canning someone if he thinks they suck at their job. Who doesn't? The democrats immediately sent out a video showing the comment and other republican rivals jumped all over it. Jon Huntsman immediately told reporters: "Governor Romney enjoys firing people! I enjoy creating jobs!" Okay, he didn't say he enjoys firing people. At no point did he say "I like to fire people!"
It's fun to take things some idiot celebrity says out of context or to re-purpose some terrible quote they may be requoting. But they're just stupid people who are famous because they're pretty (or some other dumb reason), they're trying to amuse you. They're not trying to build credibility or attempting to become the most powerful person on the face of the earth.
The unfortunate thing is that the only reason politicians do shit like this is because they know that people are basically stupid, gullible, and lazy and would never bother to do any type of real research on their own, which means that they'll run with and regurgitate any lie or mislead that they've been spoon-fed. We (the people) have created the current political system we have. We've made these people behave as they do, which means they suck. Because we suck.
And that sucks.
What is it with kids these days? What with the crime, drugs, promiscuity... it's just out of hand! We used to call it growing up, but now everything has a name. Fat is obese, whore is sexually addicted, someone who occasionally drinks too much all the time is an alcoholic. The fuck? Can't everyone just learn some moderation?
Hell, I remember going to high school. I worked a full time job at night at a restaurant. After work we would drink until I had to go to school. In college I really had a good time but I learned a lot. It wasn't until I graduated college and entered graduate school that I learned the wonders of "having a drink to unwind after work and at the dinner table and again after dinner and then with dessert and then while watching TV and then during the commercial break before the evening news and then during the evening news (markets are down) and then before bed". It's a rather easy existence to maintain; everyone you love learns not to fuck with you cause you work hard and this glass won't fill itself.
So if my generation didn't suffer from alcoholism what should we do about this one? Simple answer: go back to the way things were, when we didn't talk about anything until much too much time had passed to make a difference anyway. THAT was progress. Yeah that was it! Just ignore it until it goes away. Is there an easier solution than that?
Sometimes I think I'd like to get more involved politically, but I get depressed when I look at the two major name-brand political parties. Both of them seem to be dominated by the kind of aggressively annoying individuals that came in third for sophomore class president. Which is not to say that there are no differences between the parties. The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and time again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. Also, the Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.
But the biggest problem I have with both major political parties is that they seem to be competing in some kind of giant national scavenger hunt every four years to see who can find the biggest goober to run for President.
I can hear you saying: "Oh yeah, Mr. Smartass? Well, what kind of leader would you be?" The answer is, I'd be a terrible leader. I'd be such an inadequate leader that within a matter of days the United States would rank significantly below Belize as a world power. But at least I'd try to be an interesting leader. I wouldn't be one more pseudo-somber, blue-suited, red-tied, wingtip-shoed weenie, frowning at the issues with sincerely feigned concern. I'd try to truly represent my generation, the rock-'n'-roll generation that had the idealism and courage to defy the Establishment, stand up for what it believed in, march in the streets and go to Woodstock and sleep in the rain and become infested with body lice. If I were the President, I'd bring some life to the White House. The theme of my administration would be summarized,by the catchy and inspirational phrase: "Hey, The Government Is Beyond Human Control, So Let's at Least Have Some Fun with It." Here are some of the specific programs I would implement:
I would invite George Thorogood and the Deleware Destroyers to perform at the White House. Not just once. Every night. They would live there. Congress would constantly be passing Joint Resolutions urging the Executive Branch to keep the volume down.
Whenever I entered the room for a formal dinner, the band would play the 1963 Angels' hit, "My Boyfriend's Back."
I would have a Labrador retriever, wearing a small earphone, sit in on all Cabinet meetings.
I would request a summit meeting with the Soviet Premier, at which I would make a dramatic three-hour presentation, using flip-charts, of the benefits of becoming an Amway distributor.
One of my highest priorities would be to have Helium declared the National Element.
I would awaken key congressional letters at 2:30 one morning and summon them to the White House Situation Room for an urgent meeting, at which, after swearing them to secrecy, I would show them that China is shaped vaguely like an eggplant.
The cornerstone of my foreign policy would be playing pranks on France.
Wherever I went, there would be a burly Secret Service man just a few feet away, and on his wrist would be a handcuff, which would be attached to a steel chain, which would be attached to a locked steel carrying case, and inside that case would be:
Citing a terrible job market, Richard Keagle, once a highly paid philosopher for a number of tech companies, has resorted to contemplating the meaning of Mars Co.'s popular brand of bite-sized candies. Whether his thoughts actually amount to anything is as yet unclear, but the trained philosopher continues on unabated.
"These skittles... why are they round? Or, more rather, not square? Was there an ulterior motive to the small ridge that encircles each tasty snack?" He postulated for close to an hour, gingerly holding the little treats as if they were diamonds or relics from an ancient tomb. "Maybe... maybe they were meant to be spheres, but at the last moment someone changed the design. What about the economics of different shapes? Would one cost less, then surely that would be the desired model."
Without a job for nearly 6 months, Keagle, desperate to think deeply about even the simplest of things, stumbled upon the candy aisle while considering various brands of toilet paper at his local supermarket. After a prolonged debate over which flavor to choose, he finally settled with a pack of Tropical Skittles.
"Tropical flavors, huh? Are they really from the tropics? Who decides what is tropical? Do these skittles or their flavors have a say in whether they are from equatorial latitudes? I didn't have a say. I'm not sure these would precisely fit the tropical flavor model. Coastal rainforest, yes, but outright tropical is a bit presumptuous."
After emptying the pack onto his kitchen table, Richard organized them first in the order they came out of the package, then by color, those with S's on top or bottom, perceived roundness, and finally by if they fell asleep when read short stories.
"At first glance, one would believe that skittles cannot, in fact, fall asleep. I have very nearly proven this notion wrong," claims the wise man thoughtfully, motioning towards a row of potentially sleepy skittles. "Just as this green one here was slipping off, I accidentally nudged the table ever so slightly as I moved in for a better look. This awoke him from his stupor."
"If skittles are actually living creatures, are we breaking deeply rooted moral standards by eating handfuls of them at a time? Where do we, as civilized human beings, draw the line?"
Nearly two weeks after purchasing the skittles, Keagle has come no closer to finding out the truth behind the tiny treats. He reportedly came close to fitting all the pieces together after finding a yellow one that had rolled under his couch, but still has a ways to go before his theories are complete.
"I thought to myself, boy, it's strange that that skittle rolled all the way under there without me intentionally putting him there. Was there something I was supposed to find? I remember some years ago a yellow M&M fell from my grasp before nestling itself in a corner. Are these two insignificant events part of some overlying structure of universal governance? I would not hesitate to contact others in the field and bring this potential discovery to their attention."
Taras Lunev, a recently laid off GM seer, predicts that Richard will not have a job until he abandons his silly voodoo beliefs and tries to get a real job.